Shoe addict - May 2008

What a Croc!

Gentlemen, listen up. The information I am about to give you is paramount and could quite possibly change your lives. What lies ahead may be the answer to many unexplained questions.

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Somewhere, somehow, a silent little evil is lurking amongst you ...

The sons and daughters of Colorado founders, these siblings have danced and surreptitiously maneuvered their way into our modern day existence.

At first they worked on our children and invaded their every day lives and subsequently the more ruthless of them have infiltrated the sensibility of man.

The evil I speak of is known to us as, the Croc.

When they first disembarked on our shores, mothers were drawn to the no fuss, easy to clean maintenance requirements for children attending Kindergarten. Play in the sandpit wearing your shoes; no problem, I'll hose them off. Drop paint on them; no problem, I'll hose them off. Explore every unknown crevice of a park in the weird red coloured bark; no problem, I'll hose them off! Viola, every mothers dream. Far more pleasant an experience than scrubbing the four year old's $120 Nikes for two hours.

As this phenomenon grew to epic proportions, kids' varieties of these little gems just got cuter. Girls' versions became available in every conceivable version of pink, boys were able to slip into a tiny camouflage number or opt for the ever popular red and navy. Mary-Janes or neoprene styles added a new zest to the tried and true.

Then something alarming began to transpire. The corporate giant was making an ever increasing number of these specimens for adults.

Frighteningly, replicas of the original brand began to appear in chain stores and as their popularity grew they crept onto the feet of seemingly normal men.

If you are a Croc wearer, I apologize for what I am about to tell you and I trust you are in the emergency brace position when you receive this information. Are we ready boys?

In the event you are a Croc wearer ... STOP IMMEDIATELY!

There is nothing remotely quirky about wearing your footwear of choice, you simply look ridiculous. Now please don't be offended and feel that I have singled you out from the ladies. It is just a simple fact that the majority of women haven't picked up this trend and become resolute it is acceptable footwear for a grown woman. I know this because no female in her right mind is going to pop on a shoe that makes her look like Shrek!

Slipping into a Croc is not a stylish way to interpret a smart casual dinner and movie invitation. It is just wrong. Smart casual is groovy stressed jeans, a vintage rock T-shirt, Ralph Lauren canvas belt and a cheeky pair of street trainers (not running shoes, as much as we love Jerry Seinfeld, we are not interested in dating him). If you are still in beach mode from a holiday, Haviaanas would also be fine, but put that Croc down and move away slowly!

There are instances, however, where these otherwise fashion faux pas may be deemed tolerable. If you are a chef; no problem. A painter or a car detailer; I can live with that. At the beach or on a boat; they'd look better on your three year old but maybe. Under no circumstances meet me for a coffee in them. Ever.

I appreciate that this information may come as a complete shock to some and I do offer my sympathy, but it is time that somebody convey this information.

I have no reservation in suggesting there have been times you met that girl for a drink and couldn't understand why she didn't return your calls, despite your original meeting being dynamite. Wear those Crocs did you? There's your answer bud!

It's like when you discuss planning your 40th birthday party and it slips that you still live with your parents, or that you got excessively angry at the guy who knocked your chair in a restaurant and ended up in a fist fight. Not good signs of things to come.

There are some things in life we just have to grow out of as we get older. Like sucking your thumb, throwing a tantrum or living with Mum and Dad, how about we just leave the Croc wearing to the littlies?

Bright pink plastic Mary-Janes with holes in them that house Cinderella buttons do look very cute on little Matilda. Max's camouflage neoprenes are dynamite with his tiny skull and cross bone embellishments, hey, the braces on his pants are quirky too but we don't see you taking up that look!

Clowns are paid fifty dollars an hour to be laughed at in oversized shoes and you are trying to pass them off as mainstream. It's never going to happen.

Some women have a dirty little secret too. It's called the Ugg boot. When we are home alone and sling off those killer heels, we might secretly put them on to caress our poor tired feet while we sip a Baileys in front of Greys Anatomy, but we would not be caught dead outside the front door in them. Pamela Anderson might be single-handedly attempting to make them acceptable outside the house but that is not going to happen either.

So take a leaf out of the ladies book. If you love them, love them silently, in the comfort of your own home or garden. Do not wear them to coffee, do not slide them on for an afternoon drink at a bar and most certainly do not pop them on to attend a BBQ with friends. Just make them your dirty little secret.

Remember, shoes, do maketh the man.

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Tracey Gillinder Writer w www.traceygillinder.com.au